You're married and you still date? I have all the questions.

For many years after we started dating other people. my husband and I selectively told a few friends. We chose carefully so their reaction was usually positive. With loads of questions. 

"I don't want to pry but I'm just so curious." When we first started telling people answering their questions was cathartic. I had to condense and put into words so many thoughts, feelings, stages of the relationships, etc. I've never minded the questions. I'm simply grateful for a positive reaction of any kind. Below are the most common questions. 


"You still date? What about...?"


Have you always been poly or did your relationship transition?

It was a big transition about 5 or 6 years into our marriage. My husband and I met in high school and married at 25. While we did spend a couple of years apart, we spent almost all of our dating lives with each other. We independently arrived at the conclusion that while we were happy we might have missed out on some exploration.  Oh well.

Then my husband met a woman he was attracted to and the feeling was mutual. He started dating, then I started dating, and the rest is history.

Was it an easy transition?

No. My self-esteem was not at its' highest point for a number of reasons and that made me fearful. Or rather, terrified. We sought outside help from a counselor and I did some work on myself. We proceeded with caution as he started to date someone. Once I saw that my world wasn't going to crumble I got more comfortable with the whole thing. 

How did you figure it all out?

That was not an easy process my friend. When you throw the rule book of Monogamy out the window you have to start from scratch. Making your own rules is freeing but it didn't feel that way at the time. We both realized how mush we had depended on relationship role models to create and foster our own relationship. Now there was no guide. 

So we figured it out by trial and a few errors along the way. We got really good at communicating and setting very specific expectations to avoid misunderstandings. As we became more comfortable much of that fell away. Just like bumpers in a bowling lane, those guidelines and boundaries were helpful in the beginning. 

Is dating hard on your marriage?

 Once we got past the initial year or so, not really. I honestly believe it made our marriage stronger. We are both exceptional communicators, though we still occasionally trip up. 

I set a goal for myself that I wanted to "love generously." I wanted to be happy that he was happy. And over time I got there. 

The things I have learned about myself and others through dating has made me a more daring person. I love what I have learned about myself and what I didn't love I work to change. And I enjoy getting to connect deeply with someone whose life experience is new to me. 

Is it ever weird?

Sure there have been some funky moments between my husband and I. But we're really comfortable with who we are and that our relationship is. So we giggle about it and move on. 

Do you meet the other woman/man?

Usually. Some couples have rules about this but it's not a rule for us. In some cases we were already friends, on other cases we just arrange for a night of going out for a drink. Pretty much like when your friends meet each other.